Monday, September 27, 2010

People Who Waste Their Time Studying Grow up to be Serial Killers

If someone tells you that tests are fun, run away screaming because that person is a filthy, stinking liar.  You should also run away screaming if a person points out that your shoes are untied, because they are probably a part of the infamous shoelace gang and are sworn to kill anyone who doesn’t tie their shoes or properly respect aglets.
But people who say tests are fun are the worst.  Tests are not fun.  They may have been fun in kindergarten because you were tested on play-dough sculpting abilities, but now tests are the bane of humanity (I always want to spell “kindergarten” like this: kid-nergarten.  The word “kid” should be a part of “kindergarten.”  I’m just saying…).  Now that I’m an “adult”, I have to actually study for tests.  I spend hours sitting on the couch and reading textbooks, and it’s killing me.  KILLING ME!  Between studying and watching my daily TV show and napping, my schedule is packed.  How am I supposed to keep my precious play-dough sculpting skills up?  Where can I possibly find the time to roll down grassy hills?  When can I ever terrorize twelve – year – olds if I can’t even spare a minute to change into my Lindsey Lohan costume?  Why must I suffer so much? 
It isn’t all bad, though.  Whenever I have to waste my time pouring over textbooks, I am able to console myself with Disney music and buckets of potato chips.  I can also usually find time to make play-dough statues in my honor and chase small children over the weekend.  But it is hard to give up my nobler pursuits in favor of measly academics.
It probably won’t be so difficult when I become more organized.  I’ll have to make a color-coded schedule.  It will take time to coordinate my different duties, partially because I can’t do certain things at certain times of day.  For instance, I can’t eat dinner at one in the morning (that’s when I eat lunch) and I can’t dress up as Lindsey Lohan during the day, because everyone knows she shrivels up in the sunlight.  Still, I’m well on my way.  I’m a little hung up on the colors, though.  I don’t want to end up with boring ones like forest-green or burgundy.  I’d much rather have interesting colors like macaroni-beige or puce.  Maybe then I won’t fall asleep while I try to organize my time.
According to the first draft of my non-color-coded schedule, study time is over!  The next item on my agenda is my pre-lunch sculpting project.  Maybe a tribute to me wearing a moustache made out of a delicious sandwich.  Or how I would look as a rainbow-parrot-unicorn.  The world is my sculpt-able oyster!  

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