I am really good at naming things. Like, really really good. With just one look I can tell you if a name is interesting or as boring as plastic-flavored pudding. I have put my talents to use and started making a list of names so I am ready for the people, animals, or nameless vagrants I may need them for in the future. I select these names based on the following criteria: how unusual it is, how fun it is to say five times fast, and how many nicknames I can make it into. Names I’ve already come up with:
- My future dog: Sir Digby Chicken Caesar
- My future son: Ashley (after that guy from gone with the wind)
- My future fish: Rothbart or Doofinshmurtz
- My future daughter: Persephone
- My future husband (who will have to legally change his name): Bartholomew Safari Stevens
- My future cat: Kitty
Some people with boring names like Jane, Todd, Lance, Josie, or Tim (to name a few random ones), might be jealous of my superior names (I mean, come on, they are pretty fantastic). But jealousy will not make their names less boring. If a person is insecure about their dreary, washed-up names, if they have names, for instance, like John, Todd, Lance, Josie, or Sue (to put some totally random examples), they do have options that will help them heal. There are, of course, ways to legally change your name to something more interesting, but if someone has neither the time nor the recourses to make the change, I’m sure there are all kinds of support groups that help people cope with their dull as dirt names. If there aren’t support groups available, I may consider making it my life’s mission to start one. It’s a noble cause that would relieve unnecessary suffering everywhere.
Besides, until I have my name legally changed to Castalia Euphrosyne Smith, I could use some healing too.