People ask me, “Sara, your blog is amazing, but what’s up with the URL?” Then they steal my shoes and make a run for it while I try to explain. (Whoever has my sock monkey slippers, please bring them back. They need me.) To prevent this from happening again, I’m going to explain my URL right now.
My URL is Gertrude Malloy Mcbumferfumfer because that is the name of my best friend in the whole wide world. I haven’t really talked about her yet because she told me that I’m not supposed to talk about her to anyone or she’ll punish me again.
Gertrude is a figment of my imagination. I know she is because she told me so. She said I imagined her because I was lonely and I like bats. I didn’t know I like bats. In fact, I used to be scared of getting one caught in my hair. But Gertrude told me I like bats, so I must like them on a subconscious level.
Gertrude has grey, pasty skin and red eyes that can kill small animals with a single look. She sleeps upside-down in my closet every night like a bat. She doesn’t eat much; mostly bugs and the occasional mouse. I once asked her if she eats bats, but she says bats are like family and eating them would be like eating her sister, which is still iffy because I know she ate her adopted sister and killed her brother with a pickle. She told me that killing people with a pickle is not the most efficient way to get the job done. She said it took her at least seven minutes.
The best thing about living with Gertrude is that there aren’t any bugs in my dorm room, although lately a diet of free-range bugs has not been enough to sustain her. So during the lean winter months, Gertrude and I sometimes go to the pet store and buy an assortment of bugs and rodents for her to snack on.
I like running errands with Gertrude. She’s not very talkative, but it’s nice to have company all the same. The problem with going out in public places with Gertrude is that she spooks people sometimes. No one but me can see her because she is a figment of my imagination (she constantly reminds me of this in case I forget) but people always seem uncomfortable and itchy when she is in a room with us, and animals can’t stand her. It’s as if some primitive part of the brain senses Gertrude and understands she should be feared. For instance, when we went to the pet store this morning, the animals went nuts and the boy at the counter kept looking at the door and shivering, but that could have been because the door stayed open a little longer than it should have when Gertrude came in behind me. I once asked Gertrude why she was able to move objects by herself if she was a figment of my imagination, and she told me that my imagination is so good that I can sometimes move things with my mind. Pretty cool, right? I once tried to knock over a building with my mind-powers, but Gertrude said it doesn’t work that way. My subconscious is so smart.
Anyway, I have to go. Gertrude and I are going to watch a movie together. She calls it “The Tape to Enslave Humanity.” She is such a hoot! She also says I get to wear these nifty clamps on my eyelids to help me keep my eyes open. Apparently it makes the whole movie-watching experience at least ten times more enjoyable. I can’t wait!