True Love is a Fiancé with a Crazy Wife Hidden in His Attic

Okay, I just saw the new Jane Eyre.  And all I have to say is:  Best.  Movie.  EVER!!!  Seriously!  I think I died from sheer enjoyment, watched the movie as a ghost, and somehow died again.  It was that good. 

If you haven’t seen the movie yet, watch it right now.  You can always read this later.  Go on, watch it.  (Seriously, are you still here?)  If you saw it and didn’t completely spaz out about how amazing it is, you are a liar.  If you don’t know the story of Jane Eyre, repent. 

I think what I love most about Jane Eyre is that their relationship is fraught with serious problems.  That’s exactly how I want my serious relationships to be, but knowing my luck, I’m probably going to be stuck in a normal, boring relationship.  My proposal will probably go like this:

Joseph Gordon-Levitt: Hey, Sara?

Me: Yeah?

Joseph:  So.  We’ve been going out for a while now.

Me:  Yes.  Yes we have. 

Joseph:  And you know I love you more than you love “easy” cheese –

Me: Impossible.

Joseph: No, it’s true.  I love you so so so so much.  Which is why I was wondering…

Me: Yes?

Joseph (awkwardly shuffles feet): Would you, you know, um, marry me?

Me: Oh, Joseph, I knew all those years of stalking you would pay off!  Yes, I will marry you!

Joseph:  Neat!  Wait, what was that about the sta –

Me:  Um, look!  It’s a real live unicorn!  And it’s giving away free hotdogs!

And then we will have a nice, normal wedding and I’ll burn my stalking pictures and we’ll live happily ever after the end.  The problem with that scenario is that it’s bo-o-o-oring.  Where’s the betrayal?  Where’s the sacrifice?  Where’s the crazy wife hidden in the attic?  At a more exciting relationship, that’s where. 

I’m not saying I want my wedding to be like one of those soap operas where you accidently marry your brother who was lost in the Philippines for twenty years.  It’s more like I want my wedding to be like a really good soap opera.  Jane Eyre good.  I don’t think it’s too much to ask. I do, however, think it’s too much to hope for in a world where I can easily google my fiancé’s current marital status.  And what’s the fun in that?

Ah, well.  I could perhaps have Jane Eyre-esque drama in a simpler world, but ours is not a simple world.  And now if you’ll excuse me, it’s almost time to make my customary Joseph Gordon-Levitt midnight phone call.  When he picks up and says hello, I’m going to scream and hang up on him.  So excited!