Thursday, September 23, 2010

Twinkies and Annoying French Sounds

People define happiness in all sorts of different ways.  To some, happiness is a warm puppy, but to others, it’s waiting in line for four hours to see the Harry Potter premier at midnight.  Today I found happiness in a box of Oreos (no, it wasn’t a cool prize, it was just Oreos).  I ate the cookies in a matter of minutes, but I quickly learned that happiness can turn into pain when it hits the stomach.  Why didn’t I eat broccoli instead?  WHY!?!
I realized that I need to make some serious changes to my diet.  I started by buying some hot pockets with something green in them; a definite step in the right direction.  Maybe tomorrow I could order a cheeseburger with lettuce and tomatoes.  And then I’ll graduate from cheeseburgers to bacon sandwiches with wheat bread and then to trail mix with only some M&Ms.  Eventually I’ll be eating spinach leaves with nothing on them and nibbling croutons for dessert.  I’ll supplement this diet with magic health pills, which will probably be invented by the time I stop eating fast food.
But if my plan succeeds, how will I ever be happy again?  I’m a huge fan of food, and as any football or dungeons and dragons fan will tell you, a fan is happiest when they are with whatever it is they are fans of.  I suppose I could still be with unhealthy food without eating it.  I could keep a box of Twinkies by my bed, and every morning I could smell them and confide in them and love them as if they were my children.  I hear Twinkies are so full of preservatives that they never go bad, so this plan is foolproof.  I could even wait for one of them to harden and wear it like an amulet around my neck.  Then I would never have to be separated from my idol and the Twinkie would probably protect me from rogue unicorns and other dangerous mythical beasts.  Flies could be a problem, though.  I would have to buy a fly-warding amulet.  But those usually clash with my eyes, so I would have to get some sort of anti-clash charm…
This could be more complicated than I thought.  Maybe I should just get a warm puppy.  I could make it sleep on an electric blanket to guarantee maximum warmth.  But electric blankets are expensive, and I am a financial slave to my costly school fees.  Maybe I could afford a candle warmer, or I could heat the puppy up in the microwave every day.  That would work, right?
I’m not sure where happiness is, and frankly, finding happiness sounds kinda hard.  Like, I might have to put some actual effort into it.  Is that even legal?  Shouldn’t happiness be handed to me on a silver platter?  I’d even settle for a wooden platter. 
This is the part where I say something ambiguous and general about happiness, like how maybe I’ll find it someday and we should never give up, blah blah blah.  An ending like this would be boring and probably stupid, so I choose to end with a haughty French noise.  P-fuit!

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